Photo by Yoann Boyer on Unsplash

One of the most intimidating aspects of any human services work — including teaching — is dealing with intense conflict and emotions. In teaching, we will undoubtedly encounter students with emotional regulation challenges, and this blog is designed to give you some tips on how to handle “big emotions” and conflicts.

Use simple language

When a child is escalated, language should be concise and straightforward. We should avoid figurative and judgemental language. For example, instead of saying, “Stop yelling, you aren’t supposed to be doing that!”, you could say “I understand you are upset, I am going to step back until you want me to come back”. The simpler (and frankly, the fewer words) the better.

Use open body language

When a student is escalated, it is best not to cross your arms or otherwise close off your body language. Of course, if you are in physical danger, it would be a good idea to put yourself in a defensive posture, but in general, facing the child and taking an open posture will help to calm them down. Other good tips are to get down to eye-level and to have your arms by your sides. Relatedly, speaking with a calm voice is always better.

Paraphrasing

When a child expresses what they are angry or upset, it is a good idea to paraphrase back to them what they are saying. Don’t necessarily repeat back exactly what they shared back to them, but put a bit of a twist on it and make sure they agree with the paraphrase. For example, if a child says “No one ever lets me go outside!”, you could responds with, “So you are upset because you want to go outside but someone is saying you can’t. Is that right?” Taking this step will let the student know you hear them and that they are with someone they can trust and confide in.

Here are a few DON’Ts as well:

  • Do not raise your voice — this can trigger the child’s nervous system and will likely escalate the situation.
  • Do not threaten them. Threatening some sort of punishment in the midst of an escalation will likely make things worse. It is usually better to wait until they are de-escalated and then follow up with a conversation about behaviours and consequences (ideally, consequences will have already been established by a teacher or administrator ahead of time and will not come as a total surprise).
  • Do not use “don’t” (i.e. “don’t run over there”). Reframe as something like, “Could you come over here please?”

Now, of course, this post all comes with the caveat that every child is different, and a student with an IEP may already have a specific de-escalation plan that works for them. Fantastic! But these are some good, general principles to follow and are hopefully useful in the classroom for everyone!

Thanks for reading!

Markus